Older

Why didn't anyone every tell me that being older was not all that it's cut out to be? Why do I have to be the one to explain to my younger brothers that our sister died and that our parents don't know how to communicate that well with each other never mind with them.

Why do I have to be the one to to act like I'm all together when I'm not and dealing with so much that I can't even begin to explain to them.

I don't want to be the one to explain to them being black men in America is going to be one of the hardest things they will ever have to endure and they will always have to work 10 times harder to be get ahead.

One of my last conversations with my sister was about our younger siblings. We discussed how we wish that we didn't have to have them go through these hard economic times and felt bad that they had to go through college during these times. We talked about how our parents are raising them different and we couldn't figure out if it was because they were boys or because we are 10 years apart.

I can't tell you how much I love my brothers and how I want nothing but the best for them. I wish I could give them the world right now. I would do anything to help alleave their pain. Reliving their pain would relive some of my pain knowing that they are feeling better with all the tragedy and pain that we have all gone through this year.

Michael Jackson's death brought up tons of emotions for me. I couldn't help but think about the Jackson family and what they were going through. I wonder what T would have thought about his death and what she would have said. I find myself thinking about what our conversations would be at this moment in time with all this tragedy going on in the world. It's overwhelming.

So many famous people have died in less than a month all I can think about is what is going to happen this month. Who is next? Who are we going to lose next?

Are you all ready to die? Are you ready to say goodbye to this earth? We all know that this is not a permanent place and that we are not going to be here forever. It's funny because I have these deep intense conversations with my hairdresser about my relationship with God and all I have been doing is thinking about the afterlife.

I need to work on getting ready.